What Every Woman Wants

I was taking a wander through the feminist webring the other day, minding my own business, when I came across a charming little rhyme called "What a Woman Wants" by a woman calling herself "Myth". It was, putting it politely, utter vomit. There's nothing more depressing than aligning yourself to a belief system that purports to believe in ridding the world of stupid gender stereotypes and then finding out that half the fucking movement is helping to enforce these stereotypes in the name of "feminism". One thing I'll say for oppression, at least the bitter and twisted individuals it turned out didn't inflict this sort of shit on us. Anyway, I decided to deal with my trauma in the Ricki Lake way - i.e. by airing it to the world and hoping some kind person will offer me sympathy. Part rebuttal, part piss-take, here's my take on "What A Real Woman Wants"!

What A Woman Really Wants by Myth © 1997	What A Real Woman Wants by Pith © 1999
Power	As in batteries for your vibrator?
Safety	How dull - and unrealistic. Imagine how long Elizabeth I would have lasted if she'd thought the same.
Love	Is that a hint to all those guys out there who laugh and point at you in the street?
Poetry	Providing the poet has talent. You know, the kind that gets you on the English reading list, not the kind that makes you publish your own vomit on the Internet, with bad MIDI files to accompany yourself.
Chocolate	Why do people never say "VEGETABLES"? They're what your body runs on, for God's sake. You're supposed to be a pagan, so why not have the practicality of one.
Honey	Except if it makes one want to be violently ill, as it does with me. Rather appropriately, so does Myth's list.
Spice	Let me guess...you're a Baby Spice fan.
Music	What kind? I could name a hundred so-called "musicians" the world would be a better place without.
Silence	Especially if you're surrounded by half-wits, which Myth presumably is, seeing as she's labouring under the delusion that she's a brilliant poet.
Speech	Subject to intelligence testing.
Sex	Funny, no mention of masturbation, oral sex, anal sex or vibrators. But then, they aren't "nice", are they?
Sweetness	"A lot of warm vulgarity is incomparably preferable to a little bit of pinched niceness". (Caitlin Thomas, widow of the poet Dylan Thomas)
Solitude	See SILENCE.
Tea	Bummer if caffeine makes you psychotic, as it tends to with me.
Warmth	I come from a country where the weather reaches 35° C (100° F) on a semi-regular basis. The last thing I need is more warmth.
Furries	If you mean pubic hair, just say it for fuck's sake. If you mean Furbies, get help. Immediately.
Children	A hysterectomy, more like.
Adults	See SPEECH.
Connections	What, the lonely hearts column? Yep, I'd say you need it, lady.
Sand/Grass/Dirt (between her toes)	Big Black Butch Boots that keep sand, grass and dirt OUT.
Book	Only ONE? This woman is either a philistine or a poor proof-reader.
Bath	Again, only ONE? This woman is either very, very smelly or a poor proof-reader.
Candles	To prove what a cool nature-worshipper you are, presumably.
Humor	Lady, if you had a sense of humour you'd know how inane you sounded.
Music	You've said that twice - are you a poor proof-reader, or just really desperate to prove how cultured you are?
Compassion	To make up for your lack of passion?
Pillows	This one is so inane I can't even think of anything vitriolic to say about it.
Flannel	What for, washing your face or wearing on your own to your sad, lonely bed?
Spoons	But knives are soooooo much more useful.
Magick	That's MAGIC. And waving a few candles around and saying a few crap rhymes is not it.
Eyes	Nobody ever says PENISES or VAGINAS in these lists. They're very strange omissions for a wannabe pagan.
Truth	"'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,' - that is all Ye know on Earth, and all ye need to know." (Ode On A Grecian Urn, Keats.) So take the advice of a man far, far brighter that you will ever be and throw the dog-ugly poetry in the bin, once and for all!
Hands	See EYES.
Character	What does that mean? Murderers have character. Just not very good character.
Peace	"People are happy; they get what they want, and they never want what they can't get. They're well off; they're safe; they're never ill; they're not afraid of death; they're blissfully ignorant of passion and old age; they've got no wives, or children, or lovers to feel strongly about; they're so conditioned they can't help behaving as they ought to behave. And if anything should go wrong, there's soma [hallucinogenic drugs]. Which you go and chuck out of the window in the name of liberty, Mr Savage. Liberty!" (Brave New World, Aldous Huxley, 1932.)
Glitter	Doesn't really go with the flannel, love.
Splash	What, the crap Tom Hanks movie? What do you know, everyone, we've found the one and only Splash fan left alive. Can we put her in the zoo, please please PLEASE?!
Moonlight	To howl at.
Wildflowers	To crush mercilessly with aforementioned boots.
Freedom	See SPEECH. I'm a liberal type, but not when it comes to racists, child molesters, or bad poets. I think they all need to be locked up for the good of humanity.
Choices (in the wild)	What the fuck does that mean?
Water	To flush toilets with.
Light	But you can get away with so much more in the dark...
Love	See below.
Did I say LOVE?	At least three times...it's beyond a hint, it's now a cry for help.
Men, let this be your shopping list	Okay, I know where to buy flannel and tea, but where do you get moonlight, power and eyes from?

Or as my other half put it, "She forgot tampons, condoms, cigarettes, vibrators, the kids, fucking well shutting up for 1 minute, Prosac... a LIFE!"