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A Guide to New Zealand Politics

We asked the leaders of the major conservative parties of New Zealand how they would help women if they were elected. We didn't bother with the left-wing parties, because, as everyone knows, lefties are just a bunch of hippies trying to steal money off hard-working, ordinary, upper class New Zealanders. So here it is - real information for real taxpayers...er, I mean, people.

Above: Richard at the ACT party conference.

"Rodney, release the hounds!"

ACT

The Werewolf's Armpits: So Richard, how do you feel about women?

Richard: Women are marvelous people, so long as they pay their taxes. And aren't solo mothers maliciously spending taxpayer's money on nappies and other luxuries. And aren't little old ladies taking up much needed beds for taxpayers....er, I mean the genuinely sick.

The Werewolf's Armpits: But Winston's really the sexist, prejudiced pig of New Zealand politics, isn't he?

Richard: Absolutely.

The Werewolf's Armpits: So you wouldn't say your insane plan to give tax cuts to the rich wasn't disadvantaging women, given that the people you are targeting are overwhelmingly men? Not to mention a massive insult to hard-working lower class people whom you suggest are lazy for not being rich? As well as being totally uneconomic because the country simply can't afford them? Or that your previous experience in government under Labour showed you to be a proven liar. I mean, one word, Richard: RAILWAYS!

Richard: Err...umm...fuck you, bitch! Get the hell out of my office!

Above: Winston in his usual pin-stripes: "You may very well

think that, but I couldn't possibly comment."

New Zealand First

The Werewolf's Armpits: So Winston, how do you feel about women?

Winston: Women are marvelous people, especially when they're running political parties...not that that can be construed as one of those highly fascist coalition agreements.

(The interview was suspended as Winston's phone rang)

Winston: Hello, once and future Kingmaker speaking. Oh God, not you again! Jenny, how many times have I told you I don't want to share a cigar with you!

(he hung up and the interview continued)

Winston: Silly bitch, can't seem to get rid of her now I'm polling above the margin of error. I wish she'd never met bloody Bill Clinton!

The Werewolf's Armpits: Anyway, Winnie, back to the question.

Winston: What question?

The Werewolf's Armpits: The one about women.

Winston: What women, I never said anything about women and I refuse to confirm or deny anything.

The Werewolf's Armpits: Including your policies, what you stand for, who you'll align with after the election - no doubt whoever offers you the most, like last time...and if you do no doubt you'll piss about, whining about miniscule amounts of immigration to New Zealand while helping Jenny to dismantle the welfare stare - never mind the fact that you, as an ex-member of the National Party, were elected by people who understood that you would not ally with them.

Winston: I categorically refuse to -

The Werewolf's Armpits: Take your community wage scheme. Is that not an inane waste of time, failing to get at the grassroots of poverty? And isn't all the lovely things you're promising old folk just a cynical exercise in vote-gathering? What the fuck did you do for the elderly while in the coalition? And as for KEEPING THEM HONEST - where the hell were you when Tuku Morgan was blatantly stealing taxpayer's money, and refusing to pay it back when caught, let alone apologising?

Winston: Err...umm...fuck you, bitch! Get the hell out of my office!

Above: Jenny on the phone: "Shipley residence, the

Prime Minister of the House speaking!"

National

The Werewolf's Armpits: So Jenny, how do you feel about women?

Jenny: Call me Mumsy, dear.

The Werewolf's Armpits: Mumsy, how do you feel about women?

Mumsy: As a Mum, which I'm highly proud of...

The Werewolf's Armpits: ...and bring into every possible speech no matter how irrelevant it is to the topic just because...

Mumsy: ...unlike that child-hating bitch Helen, sorry dear, did you say something?

The Werewolf's Armpits: Not a thing, Mumsy

Mumsy: Oh good. Yes, as a Mum, I think women are marvelous.

The Werewolf's Armpits: So you wouldn't say that your own record as Ministry of Women's Affairs was dismal? Or that your government has consistently screwed lower-class people and especially women over in the work-place by removing tariffs off many trades that simply can't survive in the fact of competition from countries that allow slave labour? And that your disastrous destruction of the welfare state has seen an unprecedented rise in poverty over the last ten years? And that your constant under-funding of tertiary education has caused a brain-drain on the country, no doubt aiding the spiraling recession you keep telling us doesn't exist? And that your idiotic INCIS scheme meant that hundreds of experienced police officers were forced out of the service to pay for computers, leaving inexperienced young officers to struggle while the crime rate rose? Unlike some people Jenny, I don't have to MAKE IT UP in order to make my point!

Mumsy: Err...umm...fuck you, bitch! Get the hell out of my office!

And for those of you feeling oppressed by the evil left-wing conspiracy currently controlling New Zealand, be sure to drop by

Me First - Where the Right is always right!

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