webhosting   Cheap Reseller Hosting   links    free hosting by fateback   hosting reseller   100WebSpace offers 100MB Web Space

Cooking With Maggie

“When In Doubt, Go Out!”, maintains my friend Mad Mags the Laughing Biscuit Girl. So we go out for dinner usually once a week and scoff ourselves stupid. But as we tend to go to cheap ‘n’ plentiful studenty type places, we tend to end up with leftovers, and as your Mum’s probably always told you, Leftovers Have To Be Used Up. What to do when one is above such menial tasks as cooking? Simple - create a

MAGGIE MIXTURE!

To create a Maggie Mixture, simply combine all your leftovers from everybody’s plate. This should be done as artistically as possible, blending colours and textures as distastefully as you can.

The amateur may be fooled into mushing everything together as quickly as possible, but this is the fool’s route. A drip here, a dab there, and it can look disgusting in Technicolor, which requires far more skill. Preferably this should take place after desert so that both mains (nicely congealed) and the sludgy remains of your afters can be combined.

Salt, pepper and sugar from the containers on the table may be used, BUT ON NO ACCOUNT CAN NAPKINS! This is as distasteful to the Maggie Mixer as Merlot with chicken is to a wine connoisseur. Well, actually that’s a big lie. Maggie thinks this is perfectly legit because it’s on the table, but I reckon it shouldn’t be allowed on account of the fact that it isn’t food. So, as in the case of combining wine and meat, the ordinary person is free to choose her or his own path. Be warned, this may degenerate your once stylish dinner party into a frantic hunt through bags and pockets looking for the “perfect” addition.

Maggie Mixers are strongly advised to take up art history before attempting to Mix as this allows them to make wanky comments through the proceedings such as “If I add this straw here it will give VERTICAL STRESS” or “Placing the slug-nibbled tomato over the sludgy remains of the cream will add PISAGE” or one of my personal favourites, “Shaking salt and pepper over the plate will suggest POINTALISM”.

And what to do with this culinary delight once it’s finished? Eat it? You must be bloody joking!

Below is the first Maggie Mixture ever to make it on film. Sadly our finest work, The Great Death By Chocolate Maggie Mixture, which was our best ever work, wasn’t photographed. Note that we cheated hopelessly by using a finger bowl, chopsticks, straws and those sparkly thingys you get on drinks, none of which is edible unless you’re Cookie Monster, so this is not a purist’s Mix. But as Maggie says, y’get that.

Back to The Werewolf's Armpits