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Why Hairy Armpits Are Great

1. Sex
Ever read "Ecstacy" by Irvine Welsh? Remember what the main character wants to do with Veronica, better know to fond readers as "The Poisonous Cunt"? Need I say more, kids?

2. Time
How long does shaving your armpits take? About ten minutes, right? Do it once a week and that’s 520 minutes a year. Eight and a half hours scratching yourself to death with a bloody razor?! Think of what you can do it that time:
i) You could watch the English Patient 2 1/2 times
ii) You could go to the beach eight times
iii) You could have one long marathon shag - or 52 quickies
iv) You could watch 4 1/3 Black Fern rugby matches
v) You could watch 12 1/2 episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer
vi) You could throw an enormous party and drink the night away
vii) You could fly from New Zealand to Australia six times over
In short, there are better things to do.

3. Scares Yuppies Away
Do you spend ages at the pub trying to shake all the sad loser cellphone users out of you hair? Fear not, just grow your armpit hair and they will run fleeing to the other end of town, leaving you to get into the pants of band members or other sundry interesting people.

4. Doesn’t Scratch
As anyone whose ever snogged a clean-shaven guy 12 hours after he last shaved knows, stubble sux. Why inflict pain on your arms by scratching them to buggery?

5. Makes You Look Clever
Having hairy armpits seems to be considered such a revolutionary act that if you have them you are immediately considered a hard-core feminist. This saves the bother of actually having to read dreary books by Gloria Steinam and Susan Faludi about how awful it is to be female. You can then spend more time devoted to more interesting feminist activities. (See 2.)

6. Upsets Your Parents
Middle class parents are fragile creatures. They don’t like loud music, booze (except a glass of sherry before dinner) or swearing. But there is a way to instantly upset their dreamworld without getting a lecture about health or good manners. Simply grow hair in your armpits and watch them flinch, knowing that they can’t actually say anything without looking mind-numbingly shallow.

7. Air Conditioning
Warm in winter, cool in summer. What more do you need?

8. Proves You Really Are Blonde
Obviously this is a disadvantage if you dye your hair, but if you don’t, you can instantly dispel suspicion by whipping out your hairies.

9. Showing Off
If you have more hair than your boyfriend, you can lord it over him that you’re more of a man than he’ll ever be.

10. Nature
It’s natural. Which is a crap argument, because nature sucks shit, but it’s handy if you’re one of those namby-pamby nature worshippers.

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