webhosting   Cheap Reseller Hosting   links    free hosting by fateback   hosting reseller   100WebSpace offers 100MB Web Space

Fun With Fundies: A Strategy Game

No, not those underpants for two you can buy in novelty shops, although they're fun too. I'm talking about those irritating bastards, Fundamentalist UnChristians. There are many reasons to be urked by fundies. Christians find them mortifying, and no wonder. When you've has spent years considering the core beliefs of Christianity and forming your own complex philosophy, it's pretty bloody horrifying to have such a bunch of narrow-minded halfwits loudly advertise themselves as the posterkids for your religion. And the rest of us just resent being dragged out of bed at the crack of dawn on the weekend by some besuited cretin trying to brainwash us into joining their cult. But wait! Help is at hand! There are strategies to avoid the pain of a lecture on the evils of HoMoSexYouAlIty by someone who is clearly a closet fag. Below are some handy hints for frightening the fundies away.

1. John's Music Strategy

Method: Play "Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden at the very top volume on your stereo.

Advantages: John assures me that this scares at least 95% of them away.

Disadvantages: None, unless you have lots of elderly neighbours. Or unless you have a really good stereo, in which case you will fry your hearing.

2. Naked

Method: Open the door while naked, grin broadly and say "Can I help you?" If they don't run away, try coming on to one of them, preferably one of the same sex as you. That should do it.

Advantages: Scares the hell out of them - you're obviously mad or a follower of the Anti-Christ.

Disadvantages: They may not be fundies at the door, but friends of your parents/your flatmates parents. Try explaining that one away...

3. Dad's Logic Strategy

Method: Argue with fundie about everything you can possibly think of in relation to Christianity. The great thing about fundies is that this is so easy. Most Christians are quite pleasant in a religious debate and enjoy the opportunity to argue their opinions. Fundies are incapable of this for three reasons: 1. They believe loads of stuff which is easy to prove wrong, e. g. Genesis is a literal description of the beginning of the world rather than a metaphorical tale, etc, etc. 2. Their entire knowledge of their religion comes from what people have told them rather than what they've actually found out for themselves. 3. They have no sense of humour.

Advantages: This works particularly brilliantly if you are a Christian. My father, being an extremely well-educated Catholic does this. He has been known to keep fundies on the doorstep for over half an hour, pleasantly disagreeing with everything they have to say. Pisses them off because they can't leave, because you're interested, right? And they've been told to talk to interested people, right? Heheheh!!!!

Disadvantages: You have to know your stuff. You have to be prepared to spend ages on the doorstep to the bastards.

4. The Bed Strategy

Method: Just stay in bed and ignore the bastards!

Advantages: Obvious.

Disadvantages: They may come back at an even more inconvenient time.

5. Graeme's Insane Strategy

Method: You could perform an elegant variation on what my boyfriend's friend did to the Scientologists. He decided to go along to one of their signup thingys and act out the personality of an axe-murderer. He's probably the only person in history to escape the building unevangelised. Anyway, you could apply a similar strategy to the more pressing problem of fundies on the doorstep. Simply look strange and and answer every question in the most odd way possible, e. g, "Do you believe in God?" "Yes, I am She," or the slightly more agressive "AAAAAGGGGHHH!!!!"

Advantages: Lots of fun!

Disadvantages: Fundies may fall for it and call the cops. You may strike the one fundie in the universe with a sense of humour who realises they're being bullshitted, in which case they'll still continue to bug you.

6. The Medieval Strategy

Method: Throw boiling oil (a. k. a. food scaps) over the castle ramparts (a. k. a. out the window).

Advantages: It's fun and it means you don't have to eat leftovers for lunch. You may even spare the neighbourhood the pain of fundie visiting if you manage to make them look messy enough.

Disadvantages: You need to have a two story house.

7. Anton's Door Strategy

Method: Slam the door in their face. Loudly. Quickly. And while they in the middle of their first sentence.

Advantages: It's quick, it's easy and it gets rid of 'em.

Disadvantages: You have to get out of bed to do it. And they may not be fundies. (See Naked: Disadvantages.)

8. Mr Burns' Hounds Strategy

Method: The title says it all. Get Smithers (a. k. a. your nearest flatmate/sibling) to release the hounds (a. k. a. family dog) immediately!

Advantages: Fundie will go away quickly and may even get a dogbite or two.

Disadvantages: Fundie may complain to the cops. Dog may be a big sookie and play roll over with fundie, therefore negating effort.

Back to The Werewolf's Armpits